Two Years in the Blink of an Eye

Have you ever thought about how quickly time goes by?

My family and I are picking my older brother up from the airport in 12 days, and it feels like just yesterday that we were saying goodbye to him for two years. 

My husband and I have been married for almost four months, and I swear that he just asked me out on our first date.

My little brother is a junior in high school, and I can still remember holding him in my arms as a baby.

My baby brother no longer thinks girls have cooties. 

Where has the time gone?

Think back to where you were two years ago. 

How much has changed? 

How much hasn't?

Where was I two years ago? I was just beginning my senior year of high school. I was captain of the color guard, I played viola in the chamber orchestra, I was the laurel president in my young women's group, and I was getting ready to say the hardest goodbye I would ever have to say.

Two years ago, my older brother left on his mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, which he would serve faithfully in Tokyo Japan. Two years ago, I was trying to figure out how to breathe, after half of me left the country.

I am, again, trying to figure out how to breathe thinking of how to introduce him to my husband in 12 days, who he has never met.

In two years, I have graduated high school, been to college, gotten married, moved to Cedar City, and started a new job doing something I never thought I would be doing. (I'm a phlebotomist at a plasma donation center. Fun fact, when I was 8 and getting my shots for school, I had to have 3 nurses and my dad hold me down. Now I'm the one with the needle. Anyone else see the irony in this?)

A lot happens in two years. Zach is coming home to a completely different life. How is he going to handle it? How am I going to handle it? I guess we will find out. 

Some of my favorite life advice comes from Sister Hinckley. She says: "I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little bit of dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know that I was really here, and that I really lived."

As I am now realizing, time goes by so quickly. Live your life to the complete fullest.

"Sometimes in life we become so focused on the finish line that we fail to find joy in the journey." -President Uchtdorf

Enjoy today. Life is flying by. Don't blink, or you'll miss it.

My Choice to be a Mrs, and Not a Missionary.

Around this time every year, girls and boys of the LDS faith start receiving mission calls. I have a friend going to Russia. Another going to Virginia. My older brother is serving in Tokyo Japan. I always thought that I would be one of these people. I always thought that one day I would read the words, "Dear Sister Tolen, you are hereby called to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints". Heck, I even practiced saying it in the mirror so that I wouldn't mess it up (don't hold that against me).
And then I met Landon.
Landon Ryan Porter is a 22 year old man who holds my heart.
His favorite color is Tiffany blue, his favorite animal is "probably a dolphin", he served his mission in Kiev Ukraine (Russian speaking (whoever said that french is the language of love obviously has never heard Landon speak Russian)), he is a HUGE ASU fan, he is quite allergic to cats, and he loves me more than I deserve.
We met on July 6th, 2015 and from that day on my life has never been the same. The second I saw him I knew that something about him was different. He somehow seemed... familiar to me. I decided at that point that I was going to get to know him whether he wanted to know me or not. So I took every chance I could to talk to him. To see him. To invite him to things. To spend time with me. None of my invitations worked, until one night I asked him to meet up with me at what is now our park (3 story park in highland). He beat me there and was waiting for me when I arrived. He had just gotten done playing soccer so he was wearing a snap back (a hat), basketball shorts, and a t-shirt. I didn't know someone could actually pull off that look until I saw him. We sat on the swings, played 20 questions and stargazed for several hours. I didn't want that night to end. Around 1 am he walked me back to my car and..... that's right.
He kissed me.
For the first time.
I was on cloud nine.
I couldn't wait until I saw him next.
At first I was a bit skeptical. I wasn't sure if he was the type to pursue a girl he had just kissed, or if this was just a chance for him to kiss someone before leaving for school. I mean, I hadn't even friended him on Facebook yet.
Luckily for me, he asked me on another date a few days later. We went up the mountain where he lives, where we hit glow in the dark golf balls off of that mountain. (Side story: On the way up to where we were doing this, he promised me that he actually lived up there, and he wasn't just taking me somewhere to brutally murder me.)
At this point it hit me. I was seriously falling for this boy.
About a week later he asked me to be his girlfriend. And I said no! I knew that he was moving to Cedar City, and I was moving to Rexburg, and long distance was not something I wanted at that time. So we continued going on dates, and hanging out until on July 29th he was a groomsman in one of his friends weddings, and I was his date. The entire time we had people asking who I was (including several of his ex's) and he had to tell that that I "was his... friend".
That night he was sick of me saying no, so finally he just said "I'm just going to call you my girlfriend."
And that was that.

I knew I loved Landon when one day I was looking at him and I knew that one lifetime with him wouldn't be enough.
On August 12th, less than a week before he moved away, We said the 3 words that leave you so vulnerable, and mean so much. "I love you". Those 3 words have kept us strong in times where it would be so easy to be weak.
He moved away to school, I moved to Idaho. We started long distance. We wrote letters, texted constantly, and had many skype dates. The things that long distance couples do. But none of this helped. I missed him more than I ever thought I could miss someone. I was in Rexburg, but my entire world was in Cedar City.

On October 5th, 2015 Landon and I made the decision to get married.
I was still planning on going on a mission, the only change in my plan at that point was that he was going to be by my side while I opened my call. We planned on this for over a month.
Until one day my desires changed.
I went to the temple, and I told God that I wanted to marry Landon, and that I was going to. I think He knew that He couldn't stop me, because I never had any opposition on that.
So on November 12th, 2015, I made the choice to be a mrs.
Not a missionary.

Actually, I didn't decide to be A mrs. I decided to be HIS mrs.
Landon makes my world brighter. He makes me laugh harder than anyone ever has. He knows how to comfort me when I am down. He knows when to listen. He knows when to just hold me. He knows... me. My talents, my quirks, my flaws, my insecurities, he knows them ALL. And he loves me anyways.
And I know him. I know his likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, fears. And I love him all the more.

On March 11th, 2016, Landon took me to This Is The Place National Monument in Salt Lake City. He got down on one knee, pulled out a ring and said, "Izzy. I love you. Will you marry me?"
8 words changed my entire life.
8 words.

I stopped practicing reading my mission call, and instead I practice saying "yes".
Yes to an eternity with the man I love more than the air I breathe.
Yes to the good times and the bad.
Yes to being his wife
Yes to (eventually) starting a family with him.
Yes to being Mrs. Porter.

I feel that I am at a point in my life where I can no longer progress physically, emotionally or spiritually unless it is by his side.
I love Landon.
And I am more than excited to start our own little eternity together.
Of course I will still be a missionary. But I will be a missionary to those I encounter through my everyday life. I will be a missionary to my children. I will be a missionary to Landon when he needs me to be. I will live the gospel fully and completely. I will be a missionary just by walking the path that Christ would walk. But I will be a missionary with my husband by my side.

So as difficult as it was. I made the choice to be HIS mrs. and not a missionary.

Photographer: Karl Hugh

Grateful.

Grateful comes from the word grātus, which is Latin for "to welcome, greet, praise." We use the word 'grateful' when we are accounting for things that we are appreciative of. For example, I am grateful for my mom letting me use her rewards card at the gas station, even though I steal her 'free hot drink' reward whenever it comes up.
I am grateful for my younger brothers reminding me to be an example, and always letting me know that they love me.
I am grateful for my older brother, who is one of my best friends even when he is on the other side of the world (He is serving an LDS mission in Tokyo Japan currently, he has been gone for almost 17 months).
I am grateful for my Dad, for his example and for how hard he works.
I am grateful for my very loving boyfriend, who goes out of his way to bring light into my life every opportunity he can.
I am grateful for friends.
I am grateful for the gospel.
I am grateful for the mountains that I am surrounded by.
I am grateful.
I have had a very blessed life so far, and I don't want to take that for granted.

But like everyone else, through this life, I have had to walk through storms. I have had to stand in the dark, not sure where to run, and I have had to cling on to a hope that there will be better days.
One example of this, which I do tell a lot because it changed me in ways that I can't even explain, was the death of a dear friend when I was 15 years old.

We sat next to each other in our French 1 class, ate lunch together, hung out at parties, so on and so forth. Things that friends do.

One day I was sitting in French, waiting for him to sit down next to me so I could tell him... some little thing I can't remember anymore. The bell rang. He wasn't there. I thought he was sick, so I started writing a note to one of my other friends, when the teacher got up with a paper. There were tears in his eyes. I knew something was wrong. The words he said next I will never forget, because they shattered my happy little 15 year old universe.

"I am sorry to say that our dear friend _________ has passed away. If you need to talk to someone, you can go to the library now."

All eyes were on me.
I wasn't moving.
I wasn't breathing.
Tears were hitting my desk. But from where? Were they coming from me?

In that moment, I had forgotten how to function. When a different friend in the class got up, coaxed me out of my chair and into the hall, trying to get me to the library. I don't remember how I got from the upstairs classroom to the library down the stairs. I only remember collapsing against the lockers, while sobs rocked my entire body.

The rest of that day was a complete blur. I sat in the library with the people in my friend group, Zach (my older brother) came and held me for a good five minutes while I just cried, I went home, I didn't come out of my room. I didn't talk to anyone for a week. I didn't eat anything for a month. I just... shut down completely.

Until one day, it didn't hurt anymore. I was reading my scriptures, or a conference talk, and all of a sudden a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

I am grateful.

I am grateful for my time that I got to spend with my dear friend.
I am grateful for the gospel and my family pulling me out of that hole.
I am grateful for that trial.

What?
I am grateful for something completely awful?
Am I Satan?
No. I am grateful for the things I learned out of that trial. I developed closer relationships to those friends that I went through that with. I developed a closer relationship to my older brother. I learned how to cope with things like depression, grief, anorexia, heartbreak. Things that 15 year olds shouldn't have to endure. But I will have those lessons with me for the rest of my life.

That isn't the only trial I have ever had to go through, but it is one of the big ones. All I am saying is that I am grateful for the storms that the Lord has helped me walk through, because I have grown as a person, as a sister, as a daughter, as a future wife and mother.


I have grown
So I am grateful.

The Pothole I Related to Life

I've got a lot of growing up to do.
Now you may read that sentence, and chuckle thinking, "heck yeah you do girl. You're like 12."
Believe me.
I know.

A couple of days ago I was driving to my parents house to grab a blouse that I had left there, and to maybe steal some food from their fridge when I hit a pothole. A nasty thing in the middle of the road. I assumed my car was fine, and kept on trucking (pun intended) until the top of the road, where upon trying to turn, I realized that my car was not going anywhere. I thought I popped a tire (which also would have been bad because I don't know how to change a tire, and I'm not sure my car even has a spare... Huh I should probably figure that out. Sorry. Tangent), so I flipped on my hazards, got out of my vehicle and discovered that my two front tires were facing opposite directions. "Well.. That's not good" I thought to myself (actually that's the 'G' rated version of what I thought to myself, but since many people will be reading this I will leave it at that.) I figured that I must have busted my axle or something car related like that.

Luckily, being the mature adult that I am, I knew what to do.

I called my Dad.
My dad answered, I explained the situation, and he very calmly told me to call my mother.
So, slightly fearful, I did.
She didn't answer.
I called again.
And like the first time, and the time after that and the time after that, she didn't answer.

The whole time this was happening, around seven people had stopped to ask me if I was okay, and if I needed help. I kindly told them no thank you, and they merrily went on their way, until three God sent men, quite possibly the three Nephites *mormon chuckle*, got out of their cars, and without even asking me, pushed my car to the side of the road. I expressed my gratitude and they vanished. Not really, they actually just drove away but same thing.

I then did the only other thing I knew how to do, and called my insurance company (yes I do know how to do adult things. Luckily I have a very old car, so I had done this before). I explained to them the situation, they called for a tow, and that was that.

I was not far from my parents house at this point, so I left my keys under the mat of my drivers seat for the tow truck, gathered whatever I needed from my car and started walking.

On my way there, my mom called.
I got yelled at.
I cried.
We moved on.
You see, this was not the first time that I have broken my car. There was an incident where I slid off of a cliff but that's a different story. I don't wanna talk about it.

Anyways.
My car had a broken tire rod. Midas replaced it, and I got it back the next day.

Right about now you may be wondering what the point of this story is.
I am too.
I guess it's really just to reassure myself that I can do adult things, like call for a tow truck to have my car fixed.
But maybe it's to reassure you.
Maybe you're at a point in your life where you just hit a pothole, and your car isn't moving. The situation looks bad. You did NOT need this thing added onto your worries. You don't want to accept someones help.
I want to tell you that I have been there. More times than I can count. I have hit that pothole. I have been down that long and twisty road.
I also want to tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And no, it's not the train.
There is an end to this trial, this worry, this stress.
There is hope.
There is love.
There is light.
There is Christ.

There is a tow truck on it's way to rescue you right at this very moment.
Have faith.
"Have courage, and be kind."

Maybe your broken axle will turn out to be just a broken tire rod.
Maybe your stresses will turn out to be just a lack of a good night's sleep.

What I know is that you will be stronger after this. After whatever you are going through, you will be infinitely stronger than you were going into it.

"Good timber does not grow with ease. The stronger the wind the stronger the trees." - President Monson

Don't give up.
"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot, and hold on."

Rescue will come.
Just hang on.
A pothole is simply that. A pothole.

Homesick for a Home I've Left Behind.

It is day (night) two of my college experience. So far I have done roughly 9 hours of homework, attended 5 classes, slept not nearly enough, and cried more times than I can count. Is it too early to say that I can't wait for this semester to be over?

I moved into the Mountain Loft apartments in Rexburg Idaho on Friday September 11th, 2015. My Mom and I made the trek (roughly a four hour drive) to Idaho the Thursday before, so we wouldn't have to wake up at 5 A.M. on my move in day. I said goodbye to my little brothers before they left for school that Thursday morning, and wrote a goodbye to them on the sidewalk outside my house for them to find when they got back. Just before I left, I had to say goodbye to my Dad. He sat me down, and taught me a very important lesson that really touched my heart. The gist of it was "You don't have to be the best, to be good enough for The Lord". Needless to say, there were many tears shed as he then told a story about my childhood, and a reunion he and I had shared after spending some time apart when I was six. I don't know exactly when I will get to see my Dad again, but I know that reunion will be just as sweet as the one 12 years ago.
We said our final goodbyes, hugged one last time, and my Mom and I hit the road. She drove the suburban with all of my things piled into it, and I drove my 1999 Honda Civic, praying that it would get there in one piece.
 We reached Idaho Falls where we would spend the night without much incident, and at 10 o'clock the next day started moving me into my new apartment in Rexburg. None of it seemed real. I felt like I was simply going to a camp, or to EFY again. Later, I met with my I-team, which was basically a bunch of freshman who don't know what they're doing, running around campus with two "counselors" (not really) trying to figure out how to navigate this gigantic school before having to go to class that Monday. So that was fun.
I ditched my I-team a little early that Friday, so that I could go on one last grocery shopping trip with my Mom. She bought me enough groceries to last me until the end of the semester. I kid you not. My entire cupboard is full of food. My fridge is overflowing. The freezer won't close. But hey. No complaints here.
After the adventure of fighting our way through the parent filled Walmart(and Albertsons), we made our way back to the apartment, and unloaded everything. At this point it was getting pretty late, and my Mom still had a four hour drive ahead of her, so we decided it was time to part ways. I walked her out to her car as she was listing off things that I still needed to do, quietly reassuring her that I was going to be just fine. She engulfed me in one more hug that didn't last long enough, before looking me in the eyes and asking one more time: "Are you okay?"
Fighting back the tears, I told her I was doing great, and that I was excited to start this new chapter in my life. She got into her car, and I blew her a kiss before disappearing back into my hall so that she couldn't see me cry. That night, my roommate was staying with her Mom in a hotel before she had to leave, so I sat on my bed putting pictures on my wall as the tears rolled down my face, leaving lines on my cheeks where the makeup was gradually washed away.
I was alone.
My parents were gone.
I had no friends.
I had no one to turn to.
So I turned to The Lord.
I prayed harder that night than I have in a while. I poured out my heart to him. Told him how scared I was. How unsure of myself I am. Told him how much I already missed the familiar faces that I saw not too long ago.
And he heard me. I know that he did.
My roommates have been such a blessing to me. They are so funny, and so kind. I was definitely placed with them for a reason.
I recently got a calling in my YSA ward. I am so grateful for this opportunity to be able to serve my new ward family, and get to know them a little better.
All of my classes are amazing. We always start with a hymn and a prayer, and you can feel the spirit so strongly no matter where you are on campus.
I'm still trying to make friends, haven't really done that yet, nor have I gotten asked on any dates. That will all happen with time.
I hope.

So it is only day two (technically day 5), and I am very homesick for a home that I've left behind.

But then again, it is only day two and I have so much to look forward to.

If you wouldn't mind sending some prayers my way I would greatly appreciate it.
I love you all so much.
I love this gospel and testify of its truthfulness. The Lord is always here. He is always with us. He will never forsake us.
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

September. Single digits.

I move to Idaho in 9 days.

Sorry I'm not sure if you read that right. I move out of the state of Utah, where all of my friends and family are, into the great unknown, by myself, IN 9 DAYS.

I am so excited. My semester at BYU-I starts unusually late (September 14th), so while all of my friends have been attending class for the past week, settling into their dorms, and getting used to the whole "college" thing, I have been sitting in my parents house, with nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to do things with. (Except the occasional non-college going friend.) Can you see how this could get boring after a while?
I am ready to go. I have a "College corner" in my room, where everything that I am going to take to college with me is currently sitting. I have everything I need, except for some kitchen supplies that I will need for my apartment.
Unfortunately, along with moving out comes some other adult things. These things include, but are not limited to: If I am going to stay at BYU-I or transfer to a different school next semester, If I am going to move back in with my parents this December, if I am going to serve a mission (currently I am leaning towards yes, but this is still something I need to really think about), if I really want to pursue psychology or if I am destined for something else.. So on and so forth. I know that I am the only one that can make these decisions, but sometimes I really wish someone would sit me down, and tell me what would bring me the most happiness.
I know that I need to pray, and fast about these things (and trust me. I have.), but that doesn't make it any easier when there are so many things that I need to decide in a short amount of time. Also, I am the type of person so second guess my decisions, just because I am afraid to make the wrong one, and screw everything up. One time, it took me like.. 3 full minutes to decide what type of bread to get at the store. So, any advice from you guys would help me out.
Adulting is hard guys.
I really wish high school had had a class entitled: "How to Land on Your Feet Once You Graduate and are Thrown Into the Adult World of Taxes, Bills, College, Marriage, and Decision Making". I feel like a lot of students, including myself, would have benefited in taking a class like this.

In other news, Elder Tolen has been out on his mission for 11 months today! He is almost half way done! How crazy. Time flies I guess. If I do decide to serve a mission, I will most likely leave before he gets home, so I won't actually see him for roughly another 31 months... That's gross. But hey. We will see what happens right?
I love asking him for advice. I can feel the spirit through his words. I mean, I don't always follow his advice because a lot of the time it consists of "Nope break up with this boy", or "post better stuff on my Instagram page", but other than that he really helps me to know what I should do. So I really do take all of his advice into serious consideration. Even the examples above. I have a testimony that when we are doing what we should be, and we are in tune with the spirit, we can receive answers to our questions and our prayers. But a lot of the time The Lord is going to let you make the decision, and stand behind you on it, if it is what you should do. If not, he will be there when we fail. Our goal in this life is to become like God, and how are we supposed to do that if he makes all of our decisions for us, right? "God can't move a parked car".
Are you a parked car, waiting for God to do something? Or are you a moving car, ready for God to direct your path, and lead you to places you never dreamed of driving to?

I guess I should listen to my own advice.
Goodnight everyone.

Time to hit the road

I guess it is time to update my blog.
It is currently 1:48 in the morning, on August 11th, 2015.
I am sitting on my bed in a hoodie and the shorts I have spent the day in, because I am too lazy to actually change.
My life is different. Really different. I feel like it always changes between blog posts. Probably because I only post every like...  three full moons. But whatever. This is my blog, I do what I want I guess.

Like I said, my life is different.
I have graduated high school, Zach has been gone for 10 months, I have become an adult, (I turned 18), boys have come and gone (some leaving a much bigger impact on me than others)....
Oh.
And I move out in a month.
I am attending BYU-I up in Rexburg Idaho, so it seemed like a logical reason to get an apartment up there so I don't have to make a 5 hour commute everyday. I am moving to Idaho. Land of the potatoes. and college kids.
I can't say that I am scared to move out. I mean, yeah, I have anxiety about some things, like.. I have to actually cook for myself, and I will need to make sure that I do my laundry, and I have to actually remind myself to do my homework so I don't fail at this whole 'college' thing... But other than that... I think I can say I am ready to spread my wings and really discover who I am without my parents and family.
I am in no way saying that I won't miss my home, and I don't love my family to death. Don't take it as that. All I mean, is that I think I am ready to know what it feels like to be independent.

Ever since.. probably my 10th grade year, I feel like I have been stuck reading the same page of the chapter of the same book of the same series.
I am ready to turn the page. I am ready to get to the next chapter. Heck, I am even ready to get to the next book. (Entitled Sister Tolen: A super sick missionary)
Now at this point you may be thinking "Izzy, you are just an immature 18 year old. You don't know what you're talking about".
And that is where I tell you you are wrong.
I have been through some major stuff in my life. Stuff that I never. EVER. want to relive. From going to several of my friends funerals, to having to rediscover my faith, I feel like I had to grow up way too fast. I didn't enjoy high school. I didn't enjoy being bullied. I didn't enjoy saying goodbye to two of my best friends who moved away the day after graduation.
I feel like I am ready for something new,
I feel like I am ready for people to take me seriously.
To not look at me like "some 18 year old".


WOW that got pretty serious. Sorry homies! It's late. forgive me.

I recently found out who my roommates are, and I can't even begin to describe the excitement I have to meet these lovely girls, and become amazing friends. I am staying in the Mountain Loft apartments, so if you want to send me care packages (food), or letters (or food), I will be happy to give you my address! (but really I am a college student please help me)

I am taking a bunch of cool classes, (five to be exact). They are,
Russian
English
Orchestra
Math (less cool)
and
Religion.

I also got a super sick backpack so if that doesn't make me some friends then I don't know what will.

I still have some shopping to do, I need to get my bedding, and some kitchen supplies, and maybe a razor scooter, so I am not quite done getting ready.

So, as I move away, and I go on a mission and get married.. Don't forget to remind me to tell you guys I care about you. Because when my life gets hectic, I tend to become pretty narcissistic, and I don't really talk to anyone else.

But as college grows closer and my move out day looms in the distance, I can't help but feel... Pumped.

Time to hit the road.
Look out world. Here I come.


P.S. I can buy dry ice now. (and vote but that isn't nearly as cool obviously.)